IUI

Intrauterine Insemination. That's what we're doing now. Tonight, Quinn shot me with HCG to help induce ovulation and Friday I go in for an insemination procedure. This morning I got sort of good news from Dr. Haas... My follicle looks good and he is hopeful. We're going to be stretched pretty thin money wise, but if this works, it will be more than worth it! I'm so excited! It'll be hard to wait two whole weeks to find out if it works, and I probably didn't choose a good time since New Year's Eve is a night for drinking, which I definitely won't be doing. But, again, if this works, it will absolutely be worth it. :)

I guess I don't have a lot else to report. Keri is officially engaged. Congrats to her! Joe did it right - roses, candles, mood music, the works! I'm actually looking forward to her telling me about it in person. I'm very excited for her.

So, now I'm going to bed. It's been a great day! Hope is on the horizon again. :)

I take it back... a little.

Well, Quinn came around and agreed to give the iPod to my niece. You know, I can guarantee she will use it a lot more than I ever would. It made my heart feel good to help Tim and my mom out. I know that they know they can't give a lot to her and that she got the shaft when it came to her mother, so I'm glad I could do something.

So, update on the baby front. Pretty much nothing. I had the X-ray that showed a possible fibroid on my uterus. So Sunday we had another appointment and had an Ultrasound that showed my follicle isn't growing as fast as they thought it would, so I'm going back in the morning. They took blood again. I don't really know why they are checking my progesterone levels again, but they are. I don't see an end in sight. I just keep praying that God will bless me with a pregnancy before we get to the point of IVF.

I wish I had more to share, but I really don't know what is happening. I hope to have more information tomorrow.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!

Okay, I have to let it out. It pisses me off that Quinn is so selfish. Who raises their child this way? We have a 4GB iPod Nano that *I* received as a gift from my company for MY hard work all year. I don't need it. I have an iPhone. Quinn has 40 mp3 players, so he doesn't need it either. We're getting him an iPhone as soon as we get together enough money. My niece, Katarina, who I don't really know well at all because of the problems my brother and I have with each other, only asked for that one thing for Christmas. I have one. It makes sense that we give it to her. But, when I approach Quinn about it, I get (deep sigh from him) "Let me think about it." Seriously?!?!?!? It's been sitting unopened in my house for 2 weeks now! Totally forgotten, I bet, until I mentioned it. What's wrong with this picture? I really need family. I substituted my own with Quinn's when he and I started dating, but then his family drifted off (death, remarriage, one side reacquainting with family that's not Quinn's) and now we have no one. We are spending Christmas alone with no decorations, no meal, nothing. If I didn't have the day off of work, I wouldn't know it was a holiday. This bites big balls. I'm really sad right now. There's no end in sight for the having the baby work. I feel like I'm not a part of my family for whatever reasons and it's not fair. I've done everything a person is supposed to do. I never gave my mom grief. I give her money when I can. I take her out for meals. I listen to her blather on about her boys and their kids. I can't help that I'm defective and can't have children. The only thing I have that I can give is what I've got. I have to spend more time with them. I need to have family. What happens down the road, when there are no children, when my mom is gone and I outlive Quinn? If I don't make the effort now with my family I'll have no one. And, my biggest fear of dying alone will come true. However, if I just give a little here and there (and what I'm asking doesn't strain us in any way), then I'm making a foundation for the future. Why can't Quinn understand that, although they are extremely dysfunctional, this is my family and it's all I've ever loved in that sense. I have great friends, but they are all spending the holidays with their own families.

Okay, I guess I'm upset about a lot of things, but this was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. I have to go now.

Joy and Sorrow

So it's been a little while since I blogged. I took an amazing vacation November 15 - 26! Quinn and I explored a little bit of Baltimore, we cruised the Eastern Caribbean (San Juan, Puerto Rico; St. Thomas; Samana, Dominican Republic; Labadee, Haiti) and finished up with a day in Washington, DC and the surrounding area. I have pictures, but I don't have them hosted anywhere so I can't share them. :) Yet.

There's still no progress on the baby front. I've been on birth control for the past month per doctor's orders. Once my cycle begins, I am supposed to call in for an appointment. I'm not sure what will happen at that appointment, but it might be the X-Ray he's been talking about for a while. Hopefully it will help. The timing would be perfect if we could get pregnant soon. I have Spring semester that will be crazy, then I'll just have one class over the Summer and I'll be done with school. Which would be great timing! :) Maybe God just wanted me to be done with school before having a baby.

So Friday night was our Christmas party. And, as always, it was a terrific time and this year I was very fortunate! I was voted as a Spirit of Express winner. Big deal to me, if no one else! I started shaking and crying once I realized that Linda Sasser was talking about me, so I didn't really know what was being said. I got some really good compliments, which felt really heartfelt. For instance, Trey Simonton, one of my cube mates congratulated me and said that it was two years overdue. He said that some of the things that were said weren't part of his nomination so it seems like I was nominated by more than one person. That was just awesome to hear! Then Bob Fellinger, the Executive Vice President of Sales, stopped me briefly to say that he was really glad I won because I really am what the award is all about. :) There were more, but I have already taken too much time from Quinn. So, I'm going to go right now. I'll type more later.

It's my birthday!

So today is my 32nd birthday. I am in a self-destructive mode and I don't know why. Even now I've made the decision to blog rather than read and study for my test that I'll be taking on Tuesday night. And of course I have no time on Monday to study, so I appear to be putting it off until Tuesday at lunch and/or right before class. Quinn is right - I'm a worse procrastinator than him! :)

So it seems like I am slowly weeding out my best friends one by one. I've alienated myself from Tiffany by mentioning I think she was a little slutty in Vegas. Which, all signs pointed to it. I guess I'm being a little judgmental in my 32nd year. Actually, I guess this is my 33rd year, since you live your first year before you hit one. At any rate, I know too many women who have struggled to find a good marriage and she has one and is doing everything she can to destroy it. I'm closing off from Keri because I'm tired of her double standards. This isn't the place for revealing her secrets, but there was a choice she made repeatedly in the past and is now condemning another person for doing a much lesser version of this choice.

The worst thing of all is that if you know me at all, you know that my birthday is the most important day of the year to me. It's the only day I feel like I should be taken care of. The only day that I refuse to put others' needs and wants in front of my own. The only day I get selfish about what I do all day. Okay, I'm not a saint. There are other days where I act selfishly. I often forget to think of others first. But, my birthday is mine. So, the worst thing? She wrote me a long email about how wrong I am for defending another individual's actions...on my birthday! You know, there are other days she could have sent it. A few hours earlier, twenty or so hours later - whatever, just not on my birthday. I'm pissed off. Even Tiffany knew better than choosing today to be the day she justifiably brought up my Vegas behavior. How dare Keri ruin MY day?

Oh well, it's a trivial thing that I'm focusing on rather than dealing with the real issue that's digging into my heart. Quinn's physically fine. His semen is healthy. Me, on the other hand, I have the problem. My follicle's don't want to grow. I have too much male hormone in my body. I don't have PCOS, as the doctor thought, so I'm at this ridiculous spot where my doctor has no clue what is really wrong with me. How can you fix what you can't diagnose?

Blah. It's my birthday. I'm supposed to be freakin' happy! Whatever happened to that?

Another setback

So my appointment Saturday revealed that it's not PCOS, I'm not ovulating, and I have old, dead follicles hanging out inside me. Then, a quick scan of my cervical mucas showed some dead sperm as well as some barely moving sperm. We may have a double whammy issue. But, until they get in and check out my husband's soldiers, they can't say for sure. He is supposed to go in tomorrow, but the way he's acting tonight makes me think he's going to "forget." I feel like I'm alone in my quest to have kids, and that's not the best way to bring children in the world. He says he wants them and that this is important to him, but his actions show otherwise. I guess it's important to him if he doesn't have to get up early or ruin the amount of sex he gets to have in a weekend. I'm really at a loss for emotions and words right now. I'm tired, but can't sleep. I cry in the car when I'm alone. I just never thought I'd be the one who can't have kids. At any rate, I need to get to bed. Tomorrow's a long day between class and school and fighting to get my husband awake in the morning to go to an appointment he doesn't want to go to.

Needless to say I am feeling a lot down.

This week's actions

So we went to see a specialist on Thursday. He says he can see some very treatable reasons for our inability to conceive and none of them have to do with my weight (although losing weight is still a goal and needs to be done). So, they gave me an HCG shot yesterday and Quinn gave me one today at lunch. This is where the blog gets really personal, so if you don't want to imagine Quinn and I having marital relations, stop reading. :)

We are going in for a post-coital test in the morning, which means we have to get up early and have sex. Oh, how rough. ;) Then we go in for some poking and prodding and Lord knows how many dollars! Immediately after the appointment we are going to visit my friend Tiffany in Texas. We'll watch the OU game at her house, then go and watch her step-son's football game in the evening. Then on Sunday we're headed to the Vikings-Cowboys game. So, it'll be a football full weekend. Each night we'll have to have sex to try to get pregnant, but I think we'll manage just fine. We're staying at a hotel, so there won't be any awkwardness.

I have to go back in on Tuesday for additional bloodwork. They're pretty sure I have a condition called PCOS, which is found in 10% of women. There are things that can be done. So hopefully I'll be a mom by this time next year. For the first time in a while I am filled with hope. I can see a future and my place in it. I love this feeling.

Long time, no post...

Wow. I knew it had been a while since the last post, but I didn't realize that it has been more than a month! This past week or so has been hard on me emotionally. I'm trying everything I can to make sure I don't turn my emotional issues into negatives for everyone else. For almost three years Quinn and I have been trying to get pregnant. We had one success that turned to tragedy in the form of a miscarriage in March of 2006. In the past few months, the following people surrounding me have gotten pregnant or have reminded me recently of their pregnancy:

Heather (due any moment now)
Megan (due in November, having a shower on the 3rd of November)
Rachel (due in February, is showing now)
Jen (accidentally got pregnant from combination of antibiotics and missing a couple of pills)
Cheryl (wants to see how fertile she is and just keep having kids)
Julie (tried for about nine months)
Summer (been trying for more than a year - not sure how much longer)

SEVEN!!!! Seven girls surrounding me are pregnant, have gotten that way in 2007. I can't help but fall into despair when I let myself stop moving. The saying "it's in the water" is flying aroundthe office. "Look out, you might be next" is also making the rounds. I know people are being funny, but I'm thinking "Man, I hope so - give me a gallon of the water - whatever it takes!" So, because I can't just wait any longer to figure out if I'm infertile. If the pregnancy in 2006 was my one chance and I blew it some how, Quinn and I are going to the doctor on October 18 to start the testing. I don't know exactly what we will do during the appointment, but I'm trusting medicine now. I still have my faith. God has a plan. I am sure of that. But, I've got to believe now that the plan involves us using science to get there.

I'm trying not to be bitter. I truly am happy for each of these women. Well, most of them (one or two are perhaps not in the best situation), at least. I find my thoughts wandering to children and being a mom more and more lately. I am distracted. I no longer have a passion for school. I just am passing the time until I get the results from the doctor. All I want is to know for certain. Is there a chance for me to be a mom? Am I supposed to play the good aunt for all of my life? Will I ever get a chance to prove the theories I've gathered over the years? Will I have the opportunity to find that I'm completely wrong and that all my good advice is only good in theory? I visualize myself making peace with my dad through a child. I picture Quinn and I and our children traipsing across the world learning new things together. I have dreams. I never have dreams. I've always been too practical to sit around imagining these things. But lately, I daydream. And in my daydreams, we are an extremely happy family.

As for the weight loss, I haven't addressed it in a while. I'm back on track this week. So, maybe I'll post again next week with more details.

Sittin' on the Dock of the Bay

I don't have much to say today. My eye is weeping. I'm assuming it's from allergies, but I don't recall the last time it did this (if there was a last time). I've been waking up with crusties in my eye like I used to when I had Pink Eye. My throat is raw and swollen. Again, I assume it's from sinuses or allergies because the rest of me feels fine. Except for me being tired. I've done okay at the weight loss this week, but I know I could be doing better. My best friend and her boyfriend broke up so that's the only thing that seems to matter in her world. I don't have anything going on in my life, other than work so I guess that's all right. I guess really that's all for this report. I'm going to go up and get some work done. :)

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 9 months and 30 days
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 221.8 lbs
Week: 9
Total Loss: 11 lbs, 10 oz

Molasses

So. I know this is supposed to be all about me. It's the main mission in my blog. Heck! It's pretty much what the blog world is all about, right? So, I guess what I want to write about is still kind of about me - just in a round about sort of way. I have a best friend. She had a boyfriend. They broke up. Now, normally that's where the story would end, right? Unless of course they had either 1) been friends for a while before dating or 2) been dating for years and years and years or 3) both believed men and women could be friends. However, in this case, they didn't speak before dating, only dated a year and a half and neither believe strongly in the ability for men and women to maintain a platonic friendship. So, why have they decided to be "friends"? I think it's a crock. He didn't really want to break up (it's a cake and eat it, too scenario) and she really secretly hopes they'll get back together. What makes me even more mad is that she is upset with me that I might decide to be nice to the "other woman" in question (and it's questionable whether there really is anything going on) while she's out hanging out with the man, nay boy, who knew her better than anyone (well, in theory) and still decided, yes actively decided, to break her heart. That she puts all the blame on the evil woman and believes that the boy was just misled by the wiles of a woman and that women are evil upsets me. I don't understand how this logic runs in her head.

Then she tells me that because I'm not like most women I don't know how ALL OTHER women think. She keeps telling me I'm so unique in my thinking that I can never understand. But the thing is, I was treated like crap by so many girls growing up that I do know what females are capable of. I do know what kind of malice can be in their hearts. But the thing is, it's not all the female in a relationship. And, I hate that her daughter might grow up to think this way, too. But, her daughter looks up to her so much that it's hard to imagine that she won't take on this line of thinking.

Blah. I'm tired of talking about it. It's stupid and childish and takes me back to the eighth grade, which wasn't a very good year for me because of all the other girls in my world at that time. So, let's move on to me. I am going to lunch with my niece here in the next few minutes, so I don't have a lot of time. School started last week, we're closing in on SALES Summit (just two and a half weeks away!), and Dolores will be here shortly thereafter. The world is moving quickly on me and I love this speed. My coworker/friend Summer and her husband are giving up all their worldly possessions and moving to Texas to work for Gospel for Asia. She is a great example of letting faith guide her life. This is a big big decision and I admire her so much for it. She's one of those rare Christians who believes so strongly and so faithfully that it is contagious, but not overzealous and definitely not hypocritical in any way. She lives what she believes. It's inspirational. I wish I had known her better.

Quinn has started to read the Bible. I'm still not sure what his purpose in doing so is. He keeps highlighting passages and pointing out some of the pointlessness and unfair actions, but he does keep referring to God as though He exists. So, does that mean he believes in God, but doesn't understand Him? Or does it mean he is referring to Him as he would any character in a book? Quinn's faith concerns me. I want so much for him to believe, but I don't know what I can do to help him in that process. Maybe if I start reading the Bible as well and have a preacher to whom I can take Quinn's questions? There's a thought.

So I skipped the Weight Watchers meeting this week because I know I was up. It's a bad reason to skip, but I'm back down again, and I've got my head on straight, so I'll definitely be there this week. I'm still on track for 50 in 52, but I'm crawling along. I wanted to get there early if I could, so I'm going to try hopping back on the express train. At any rate, this week is a new week, so All Aboard!

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 9 months and 22 days
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 223.0 lbs
Week: 8
Total Loss: 10 lbs, 8 oz

Boy this week has been an emotional roller coaster of the nth degree. Let's start with the weight. I had a huge stress-induced need to eat chocolate. So, I did. Usually, I can satisfy my cravings with a quick snack of pudding, but this time my body/mind wasn't having any of that. It wanted chocolate cake. So, I gave it to it. Twice. Then, we were lazy on cooking, so I ate way outside my number of points several days this week. But, it looks like I'm starting out well today. If I can manage to not gain all of these pounds back this week, then I should actually be making some good progress.

Work was insane. Which is probably why I had cravings and couldn't curb them. The air around the place has been different. And, I was feeling very much not included. I've been feeling this way for a long, long time, but until recently it hasn't stressed me out this much. I have actually been looking to see if there is anywhere else in the company I could go if my department got tired of me... Ridiculous, I know. Well, I know now. I'm being paranoid and I'm letting a couple of coworkers who are feeling that same paranoia enhance my paranoia. My job duties have changed/are changing once again. They have taken Associate Marketing from me. I have heard my boss say it's not a punishment to me, but I can't shake the thought that it is. I feel like a failure. And I'm doing everything I can to focus on not eating because of it. It's been a hard week for me and I don't really have any troubles to pin it to.

And of course all this stress leads me to wondering why I can't have babies. I'm getting older. I don't want to keep waiting. For the sake of my child (if I ever get to have one) and the sake of my own health. We're in a position now to have them. Quinn can be at home with them. If we squeeze out a few of our own vanities, we can definitely afford it. I feel emotionally strong enough. Everything is in the right place. But I can't get pregnant. 15-year-old girls can get knocked up and neglect their children. I just don't get why I'm not allowed. It's been almost three years. Only one pregnancy that didn't last long enough to even have a gender. A blip on the radar screen. Well, not even a blip on a radar screen.

My friend Tiffany had a procedure yesterday. They were looking for cervical cancer. That's a big deal. I couldn't help though, when she was talking, thinking to myself, you're preachingto the choir. I actually found a way to twist what she was feeling into being about me. I've become very selfish recently, thinking I'm important enough that all the decisions being made should have me as a consideration. When that's not the case at all. It's a big world with six billion people. Instead of feeling cheated when I'm not thought of, I should be grateful that I'm considered at all. Hmmm... maybe this could be my new outlook on life.

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 9 months and 7 days
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 223.4 lbs
Week: 6
Total Loss: 10 lbs, 4 oz.

A long road with no progress

Maybe subconsciously I don't want to be pregnant. I keep doing things that are going to make me gain weight. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am sleeping too much and I'm extremely moody. More than ever. Life sucks one minute and the next, with nothing really changing, life is the best it's ever been. In the mean time, I'm eating based on my mood and I've lost a lot of weight but gained it all back and more.

I don't like failing. I'm at a point in my life that I wonder whether I should find a therapist and see what someone trained thinks. Am I just being whiny? Do I need to stop being so self-involved? Would going to church and finding my peace with God help?

My dreams have been vivid lately. I wake up in the night and have to convince myself that I was truly dreaming. Some of my deepest wishes and fears have been coming out lately. For instance, the other night I dreamed that Linda Sasser liked me...really liked me. It made me feel confident in my ability as a team member, which made me work harder. Last night, I dreamed my closest friends and family and I were put in a concentration camp. I was able to strike up a rapport with the guards through my amazing, but limited German language skills. Oh, I was thin, like in high school. They let us all go...even the people I didn't really know. Then, that dream turned into me having a job where I spoke German a lot.

So, I guess I should get going. Quinn and I are going to play tennis with my former vice president today. The world is an odd place.

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 9 months and 1 day
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 225.8 lbs
Week: 5

The journey continues...

Well, I have to give it up for Weight Watchers....EIGHT pounds in one week! I can't believe it. Just by cutting my food intake I've dropped eight pounds. I sucked big time on the working out this week, though. I didn't make it to the gym one time. Imagine what my progress would have been if I had only kept exercising. I'm feeling a lot better about myself today than last week. I'm still terribly overweight, but I am really doing something about it. I've let everyone know that I'm back "on the wagon" and they are being extremely helpful.

I can't blog long today as I'm going to meet a couple of co-workers to watch a movie. Maybe I'll add more to this later...

I've got a long way to go, don't get me wrong, but I'm at least still walking along the path.

Blah. I sent Quinn out to pick up dinner and he brought me back a burger, fries and a shake. I feel miserable now. I only ate three of the fries, so I at least didn't totally screw up. I fortunately have all of my extra points for the week, so there they went. This just sucks because now I feel all bloated and gross. Why didn't I just say no to the shake? Or just eat a tiny portion and put it in the freezer? I suck. I only had 5 points left for the day, so I really went over. I guess I'll see this tomorrow on the scale. So much for the 8-pound week.

Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit. Damnit.

Oh, and I was just first out at poker AGAIN! I hate this stupid game and yet I still keep coming back. I want to belong to the cool kids' group so much even in adulthood. I do things I don't want to do just so I'll fit in and be a part of a crowd. That pisses me off. I'd be so much happier if I didn't give a shit about belonging to groups. Maybe next year I can work on that.

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 8 months and 10 days
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 225.8 lbs
Week: 2

The Ugly Truth:
I am terribly overweight and am suffering from it. I am tired all the time and I feel sickly. I am now tired of feeling this way. I think I'm moodier than I ever have been before. My thoughts are consumed with how fat I am. I have started either 1) avoiding looking in the mirror or 2) obsessing in the mirror about all of my fat rolls. Both are not healthy behaviors. So, it's time for a change, and that's what this blog is all about. There may be days that I choose to talk about financial problems or finishing school or fertility, but today it's all about losing weight.

The picture of me is from our recent trip to Alcatraz. It's appropriate because I'm back up to the highest weight I've ever been and I feel like I'm in prison. Trapped by my own inability to control my cravings...

My Motivations:
1. My parents have several health issues I'd like to avoid: diabetes, back problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, shortness of breath after simple movements, etc. I don't want to be that way now or in the future.
2. I'd like to be more comfortable in public places: having to use the wide bed at the hospital, sitting uncomfortably for hours in airplanes, never feeling comfortable at concerts.
3. My doctor said I had to lose 20% of my body weight to have a chance at not only getting pregnant, but being healthy during it. I want to be a mom. I have since I was five. It's not something that will change, even if I try to convince myself I don't want it.
4. I liked it better when I didn't constantly think about how much space I was taking.
5. I'm not sleeping well. I toss and turn all night long and I'm pretty sure it has to do with my weight.
6. Shopping is not enjoyable - clothes are tight and the fashions available are dowdy and old.

My Plan is to lose 50 pounds in 52 weeks by doing the following:
1. I have to take Weight Watchers seriously. Sweets are not important enough to keep eating if they are what cause the above medical issues and public embarrassments. It's time to start tracking everything on paper and not assume I'll remember all the numbers.
2. I have to keep exercising at the gym, only increase to five days a week. Although I've run late on many of the days, I have proven I can get to the gym early three days a week, so five shouldn't be a problem.
3. I need to increase the amount of water I drink each day. I haven't been drinking enough of anything, really, and when I do, I drink soda. I need to get back to water, unsweetened tea, juice and milk only.
4. I need to start taking vitamins. If I'm serious about being healthy, this is vital.
5. I have to write it all down and be accountable. This blog is all about that.

There will be no lying on this blog. I'm not advertising this blog to my friends or family. This is about me and I have to own up to the truth, so here it is:

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 8 months and 3 days
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 233.8 lbs
Week: 1

Each week I will update this information and talk about my struggles - the skinny people complaining about being fat, the cake that everyone else was eating, the drink I really wanted from a bad day - everything. I promise this will be totally candid. It's not here for anyone else, but if someone finds it, reads it and gains something from it, I'm glad. But, just know this - it's all about me.