AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!!!

Okay, I have to let it out. It pisses me off that Quinn is so selfish. Who raises their child this way? We have a 4GB iPod Nano that *I* received as a gift from my company for MY hard work all year. I don't need it. I have an iPhone. Quinn has 40 mp3 players, so he doesn't need it either. We're getting him an iPhone as soon as we get together enough money. My niece, Katarina, who I don't really know well at all because of the problems my brother and I have with each other, only asked for that one thing for Christmas. I have one. It makes sense that we give it to her. But, when I approach Quinn about it, I get (deep sigh from him) "Let me think about it." Seriously?!?!?!? It's been sitting unopened in my house for 2 weeks now! Totally forgotten, I bet, until I mentioned it. What's wrong with this picture? I really need family. I substituted my own with Quinn's when he and I started dating, but then his family drifted off (death, remarriage, one side reacquainting with family that's not Quinn's) and now we have no one. We are spending Christmas alone with no decorations, no meal, nothing. If I didn't have the day off of work, I wouldn't know it was a holiday. This bites big balls. I'm really sad right now. There's no end in sight for the having the baby work. I feel like I'm not a part of my family for whatever reasons and it's not fair. I've done everything a person is supposed to do. I never gave my mom grief. I give her money when I can. I take her out for meals. I listen to her blather on about her boys and their kids. I can't help that I'm defective and can't have children. The only thing I have that I can give is what I've got. I have to spend more time with them. I need to have family. What happens down the road, when there are no children, when my mom is gone and I outlive Quinn? If I don't make the effort now with my family I'll have no one. And, my biggest fear of dying alone will come true. However, if I just give a little here and there (and what I'm asking doesn't strain us in any way), then I'm making a foundation for the future. Why can't Quinn understand that, although they are extremely dysfunctional, this is my family and it's all I've ever loved in that sense. I have great friends, but they are all spending the holidays with their own families.

Okay, I guess I'm upset about a lot of things, but this was kind of the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. I have to go now.