Long time, no post...

Wow. I knew it had been a while since the last post, but I didn't realize that it has been more than a month! This past week or so has been hard on me emotionally. I'm trying everything I can to make sure I don't turn my emotional issues into negatives for everyone else. For almost three years Quinn and I have been trying to get pregnant. We had one success that turned to tragedy in the form of a miscarriage in March of 2006. In the past few months, the following people surrounding me have gotten pregnant or have reminded me recently of their pregnancy:

Heather (due any moment now)
Megan (due in November, having a shower on the 3rd of November)
Rachel (due in February, is showing now)
Jen (accidentally got pregnant from combination of antibiotics and missing a couple of pills)
Cheryl (wants to see how fertile she is and just keep having kids)
Julie (tried for about nine months)
Summer (been trying for more than a year - not sure how much longer)

SEVEN!!!! Seven girls surrounding me are pregnant, have gotten that way in 2007. I can't help but fall into despair when I let myself stop moving. The saying "it's in the water" is flying aroundthe office. "Look out, you might be next" is also making the rounds. I know people are being funny, but I'm thinking "Man, I hope so - give me a gallon of the water - whatever it takes!" So, because I can't just wait any longer to figure out if I'm infertile. If the pregnancy in 2006 was my one chance and I blew it some how, Quinn and I are going to the doctor on October 18 to start the testing. I don't know exactly what we will do during the appointment, but I'm trusting medicine now. I still have my faith. God has a plan. I am sure of that. But, I've got to believe now that the plan involves us using science to get there.

I'm trying not to be bitter. I truly am happy for each of these women. Well, most of them (one or two are perhaps not in the best situation), at least. I find my thoughts wandering to children and being a mom more and more lately. I am distracted. I no longer have a passion for school. I just am passing the time until I get the results from the doctor. All I want is to know for certain. Is there a chance for me to be a mom? Am I supposed to play the good aunt for all of my life? Will I ever get a chance to prove the theories I've gathered over the years? Will I have the opportunity to find that I'm completely wrong and that all my good advice is only good in theory? I visualize myself making peace with my dad through a child. I picture Quinn and I and our children traipsing across the world learning new things together. I have dreams. I never have dreams. I've always been too practical to sit around imagining these things. But lately, I daydream. And in my daydreams, we are an extremely happy family.

As for the weight loss, I haven't addressed it in a while. I'm back on track this week. So, maybe I'll post again next week with more details.