Another setback

So my appointment Saturday revealed that it's not PCOS, I'm not ovulating, and I have old, dead follicles hanging out inside me. Then, a quick scan of my cervical mucas showed some dead sperm as well as some barely moving sperm. We may have a double whammy issue. But, until they get in and check out my husband's soldiers, they can't say for sure. He is supposed to go in tomorrow, but the way he's acting tonight makes me think he's going to "forget." I feel like I'm alone in my quest to have kids, and that's not the best way to bring children in the world. He says he wants them and that this is important to him, but his actions show otherwise. I guess it's important to him if he doesn't have to get up early or ruin the amount of sex he gets to have in a weekend. I'm really at a loss for emotions and words right now. I'm tired, but can't sleep. I cry in the car when I'm alone. I just never thought I'd be the one who can't have kids. At any rate, I need to get to bed. Tomorrow's a long day between class and school and fighting to get my husband awake in the morning to go to an appointment he doesn't want to go to.

Needless to say I am feeling a lot down.

This week's actions

So we went to see a specialist on Thursday. He says he can see some very treatable reasons for our inability to conceive and none of them have to do with my weight (although losing weight is still a goal and needs to be done). So, they gave me an HCG shot yesterday and Quinn gave me one today at lunch. This is where the blog gets really personal, so if you don't want to imagine Quinn and I having marital relations, stop reading. :)

We are going in for a post-coital test in the morning, which means we have to get up early and have sex. Oh, how rough. ;) Then we go in for some poking and prodding and Lord knows how many dollars! Immediately after the appointment we are going to visit my friend Tiffany in Texas. We'll watch the OU game at her house, then go and watch her step-son's football game in the evening. Then on Sunday we're headed to the Vikings-Cowboys game. So, it'll be a football full weekend. Each night we'll have to have sex to try to get pregnant, but I think we'll manage just fine. We're staying at a hotel, so there won't be any awkwardness.

I have to go back in on Tuesday for additional bloodwork. They're pretty sure I have a condition called PCOS, which is found in 10% of women. There are things that can be done. So hopefully I'll be a mom by this time next year. For the first time in a while I am filled with hope. I can see a future and my place in it. I love this feeling.

Long time, no post...

Wow. I knew it had been a while since the last post, but I didn't realize that it has been more than a month! This past week or so has been hard on me emotionally. I'm trying everything I can to make sure I don't turn my emotional issues into negatives for everyone else. For almost three years Quinn and I have been trying to get pregnant. We had one success that turned to tragedy in the form of a miscarriage in March of 2006. In the past few months, the following people surrounding me have gotten pregnant or have reminded me recently of their pregnancy:

Heather (due any moment now)
Megan (due in November, having a shower on the 3rd of November)
Rachel (due in February, is showing now)
Jen (accidentally got pregnant from combination of antibiotics and missing a couple of pills)
Cheryl (wants to see how fertile she is and just keep having kids)
Julie (tried for about nine months)
Summer (been trying for more than a year - not sure how much longer)

SEVEN!!!! Seven girls surrounding me are pregnant, have gotten that way in 2007. I can't help but fall into despair when I let myself stop moving. The saying "it's in the water" is flying aroundthe office. "Look out, you might be next" is also making the rounds. I know people are being funny, but I'm thinking "Man, I hope so - give me a gallon of the water - whatever it takes!" So, because I can't just wait any longer to figure out if I'm infertile. If the pregnancy in 2006 was my one chance and I blew it some how, Quinn and I are going to the doctor on October 18 to start the testing. I don't know exactly what we will do during the appointment, but I'm trusting medicine now. I still have my faith. God has a plan. I am sure of that. But, I've got to believe now that the plan involves us using science to get there.

I'm trying not to be bitter. I truly am happy for each of these women. Well, most of them (one or two are perhaps not in the best situation), at least. I find my thoughts wandering to children and being a mom more and more lately. I am distracted. I no longer have a passion for school. I just am passing the time until I get the results from the doctor. All I want is to know for certain. Is there a chance for me to be a mom? Am I supposed to play the good aunt for all of my life? Will I ever get a chance to prove the theories I've gathered over the years? Will I have the opportunity to find that I'm completely wrong and that all my good advice is only good in theory? I visualize myself making peace with my dad through a child. I picture Quinn and I and our children traipsing across the world learning new things together. I have dreams. I never have dreams. I've always been too practical to sit around imagining these things. But lately, I daydream. And in my daydreams, we are an extremely happy family.

As for the weight loss, I haven't addressed it in a while. I'm back on track this week. So, maybe I'll post again next week with more details.