Molasses

So. I know this is supposed to be all about me. It's the main mission in my blog. Heck! It's pretty much what the blog world is all about, right? So, I guess what I want to write about is still kind of about me - just in a round about sort of way. I have a best friend. She had a boyfriend. They broke up. Now, normally that's where the story would end, right? Unless of course they had either 1) been friends for a while before dating or 2) been dating for years and years and years or 3) both believed men and women could be friends. However, in this case, they didn't speak before dating, only dated a year and a half and neither believe strongly in the ability for men and women to maintain a platonic friendship. So, why have they decided to be "friends"? I think it's a crock. He didn't really want to break up (it's a cake and eat it, too scenario) and she really secretly hopes they'll get back together. What makes me even more mad is that she is upset with me that I might decide to be nice to the "other woman" in question (and it's questionable whether there really is anything going on) while she's out hanging out with the man, nay boy, who knew her better than anyone (well, in theory) and still decided, yes actively decided, to break her heart. That she puts all the blame on the evil woman and believes that the boy was just misled by the wiles of a woman and that women are evil upsets me. I don't understand how this logic runs in her head.

Then she tells me that because I'm not like most women I don't know how ALL OTHER women think. She keeps telling me I'm so unique in my thinking that I can never understand. But the thing is, I was treated like crap by so many girls growing up that I do know what females are capable of. I do know what kind of malice can be in their hearts. But the thing is, it's not all the female in a relationship. And, I hate that her daughter might grow up to think this way, too. But, her daughter looks up to her so much that it's hard to imagine that she won't take on this line of thinking.

Blah. I'm tired of talking about it. It's stupid and childish and takes me back to the eighth grade, which wasn't a very good year for me because of all the other girls in my world at that time. So, let's move on to me. I am going to lunch with my niece here in the next few minutes, so I don't have a lot of time. School started last week, we're closing in on SALES Summit (just two and a half weeks away!), and Dolores will be here shortly thereafter. The world is moving quickly on me and I love this speed. My coworker/friend Summer and her husband are giving up all their worldly possessions and moving to Texas to work for Gospel for Asia. She is a great example of letting faith guide her life. This is a big big decision and I admire her so much for it. She's one of those rare Christians who believes so strongly and so faithfully that it is contagious, but not overzealous and definitely not hypocritical in any way. She lives what she believes. It's inspirational. I wish I had known her better.

Quinn has started to read the Bible. I'm still not sure what his purpose in doing so is. He keeps highlighting passages and pointing out some of the pointlessness and unfair actions, but he does keep referring to God as though He exists. So, does that mean he believes in God, but doesn't understand Him? Or does it mean he is referring to Him as he would any character in a book? Quinn's faith concerns me. I want so much for him to believe, but I don't know what I can do to help him in that process. Maybe if I start reading the Bible as well and have a preacher to whom I can take Quinn's questions? There's a thought.

So I skipped the Weight Watchers meeting this week because I know I was up. It's a bad reason to skip, but I'm back down again, and I've got my head on straight, so I'll definitely be there this week. I'm still on track for 50 in 52, but I'm crawling along. I wanted to get there early if I could, so I'm going to try hopping back on the express train. At any rate, this week is a new week, so All Aboard!

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 9 months and 22 days
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 223.0 lbs
Week: 8
Total Loss: 10 lbs, 8 oz

Boy this week has been an emotional roller coaster of the nth degree. Let's start with the weight. I had a huge stress-induced need to eat chocolate. So, I did. Usually, I can satisfy my cravings with a quick snack of pudding, but this time my body/mind wasn't having any of that. It wanted chocolate cake. So, I gave it to it. Twice. Then, we were lazy on cooking, so I ate way outside my number of points several days this week. But, it looks like I'm starting out well today. If I can manage to not gain all of these pounds back this week, then I should actually be making some good progress.

Work was insane. Which is probably why I had cravings and couldn't curb them. The air around the place has been different. And, I was feeling very much not included. I've been feeling this way for a long, long time, but until recently it hasn't stressed me out this much. I have actually been looking to see if there is anywhere else in the company I could go if my department got tired of me... Ridiculous, I know. Well, I know now. I'm being paranoid and I'm letting a couple of coworkers who are feeling that same paranoia enhance my paranoia. My job duties have changed/are changing once again. They have taken Associate Marketing from me. I have heard my boss say it's not a punishment to me, but I can't shake the thought that it is. I feel like a failure. And I'm doing everything I can to focus on not eating because of it. It's been a hard week for me and I don't really have any troubles to pin it to.

And of course all this stress leads me to wondering why I can't have babies. I'm getting older. I don't want to keep waiting. For the sake of my child (if I ever get to have one) and the sake of my own health. We're in a position now to have them. Quinn can be at home with them. If we squeeze out a few of our own vanities, we can definitely afford it. I feel emotionally strong enough. Everything is in the right place. But I can't get pregnant. 15-year-old girls can get knocked up and neglect their children. I just don't get why I'm not allowed. It's been almost three years. Only one pregnancy that didn't last long enough to even have a gender. A blip on the radar screen. Well, not even a blip on a radar screen.

My friend Tiffany had a procedure yesterday. They were looking for cervical cancer. That's a big deal. I couldn't help though, when she was talking, thinking to myself, you're preachingto the choir. I actually found a way to twist what she was feeling into being about me. I've become very selfish recently, thinking I'm important enough that all the decisions being made should have me as a consideration. When that's not the case at all. It's a big world with six billion people. Instead of feeling cheated when I'm not thought of, I should be grateful that I'm considered at all. Hmmm... maybe this could be my new outlook on life.

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 9 months and 7 days
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 223.4 lbs
Week: 6
Total Loss: 10 lbs, 4 oz.

A long road with no progress

Maybe subconsciously I don't want to be pregnant. I keep doing things that are going to make me gain weight. I don't know what is wrong with me. I am sleeping too much and I'm extremely moody. More than ever. Life sucks one minute and the next, with nothing really changing, life is the best it's ever been. In the mean time, I'm eating based on my mood and I've lost a lot of weight but gained it all back and more.

I don't like failing. I'm at a point in my life that I wonder whether I should find a therapist and see what someone trained thinks. Am I just being whiny? Do I need to stop being so self-involved? Would going to church and finding my peace with God help?

My dreams have been vivid lately. I wake up in the night and have to convince myself that I was truly dreaming. Some of my deepest wishes and fears have been coming out lately. For instance, the other night I dreamed that Linda Sasser liked me...really liked me. It made me feel confident in my ability as a team member, which made me work harder. Last night, I dreamed my closest friends and family and I were put in a concentration camp. I was able to strike up a rapport with the guards through my amazing, but limited German language skills. Oh, I was thin, like in high school. They let us all go...even the people I didn't really know. Then, that dream turned into me having a job where I spoke German a lot.

So, I guess I should get going. Quinn and I are going to play tennis with my former vice president today. The world is an odd place.

Name: Terese I.
Town: Oklahoma City, OK
Age: 31 years, 9 months and 1 day
Height: 67 1/2" ( 5' 7 1/2")
Weight: 225.8 lbs
Week: 5