Melancholy

It has been too long. I've allowed myself to forget about me for a while. It seems odd to say that I haven't been selfish enough when it seems like I'm super selfish, but I've not allowed myself the opportunity to talk or type to anyone for quite some time. So, it's time to unload...

The weight - a new all time high. But, fortunately, in the last week the scale has been my friend, of sorts. My number is going down. I was at 242 about two weeks ago. This morning was 238. So.. the right direction, but still too high - way too high. Why can't I see the error of my ways? Why can't it mean more to me to just eat better? Eat less? Exercise just a little... it's a mystery.

The baby-making - no success yet. I know in January I said the IUI didn't work. Well, it did. It just didn't work out. I absolutely was pregnant but I miscarried again. It was a setback. We stopped seeing Dr. Haas in December, but I have every intention of returning in late August. However, the idea of a plan does not help my heart in any way. Yesterday I made myself cry by listening to Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die for That". It's so spot on as to how I feel. And the video is something I can't watch without blubbering, so I only listen to it, with my head down and tears flowing. What am I doing to myself? I don't seem to be able to enjoy the process any more. It just feels like each time is one less opportunity. It doesn't seem to be about making life... I just seem to focus on the deaths.

The finances - Quinn started working about a month ago - at Express. Although we don't have any interaction, it's still a little odd, I think. But it's good. It's more money than he's ever made before, and now that we have made a couple of unnecessary purchases, I think we are finally ready to start tackling the debt. I put $200 toward Dell this month, and it felt good. Even though we'll have to watch ourselves over the next month, I think we're finally moving in the right direction. It feels really good to have a goal in mind.

The education - at long last there is a definite graduation goal in mind. After this summer, there are two classes that I'll take in the fall. One online and one night a week and then it's over. Although I think I'll likely try for a higher degree before too long, I think Quinn's right - I should take a break. Recoup our financees. Spend some time with him. Work on making the baby. Enjoy that I have accomplished a goal I mentally set for myself from the time I heard about college. A Bachelor's Degree and two Associate's Degrees. (well the Associate's degrees were gravy from indecision).

The relationships - I think Quinn and I are good. We seem to have less tension than even a couple of years ago, but there are still issues. I'm a little lazy after two years of not helping around the house and he's a little tired of me leaving him in limbo because of "homework" - I completely understand, but it's almost over. He could be a little more compromising. My friendships are weak. I was doing great for a while, making sure that I was always ready and available. But I've gone back into my hole. It will get better after school, I'm sure.

I guess that's the sum of the parts. I'm kind of watching a somewhat depressing movie - called The Air I Breathe. It's not helping my mood much. I'm just going through the motions to get to the end.

Work is going pretty well, though. I've taken over some duties while Julie's on maternity leave and I think I'm doing well. Teresa was promoted to Director and she's giving me plenty of opportunities to give her my opinions on things. I'm beginning to feel pretty good about myself. It's what I've been missing there. That's what makes her a good boss... why she has gone somewhere... I'm happy to work for her.

Okay, I'm out. Talking to Keri. Makes me feel normal.