Wow! I can't believe I didn't post one time last year! So much changed in my work life, and I've never worked so hard! Even when I was working seven days a week at Advance, I didn't feel this tired. But I really love that I am busy! I have an amazing boss who constantly reassures me, and has become my friend. But, I am not writing today to give an update on my life. And, since it's okay to be self-centered on a blog, I'm unfortunately going to discount any questions you might have and talk about what is on my mind.
Tomorrow makes four years since the miscarriage.
Hmmm... I guess I really don't want to talk about it after all. If you know me, that one sentence is enough. It still hurts a lot, but I don't have any more words. It hurts that deeply. Tomorrow will be hard.
I'll try to blog again this year.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Saturday, December 20, 2008
The post post
So, it's post-graduation. I should be overwhelemd with a sense of accomplishment and pride. I should feel as though I have conquered a mountain and slayed a dragon. It's no small feat. I completed a degree while working a professional job. But still I feel hollow. I'm empty. The day of graduation wasn't about me. It was about Quinn's anger at my foul mood (I was sick). It was about my mom's nature. It was about Joe's friends at graduation. I received gifts and words of praise, but it's not enough. Where's the life changing moment that was supposed to happen? Where's the lightening bolt that makes everything feel right? Why do I just feel like there's nothing else to look forward to? I'm 33 years old. Do I really have to endure another 60 years of mediocrity and living as no one special with no special talents? At least in school there was a goal. Someone to give me a grade. Things were easy to understand. If I worked hard, I was rewarded. It had nothing to do with who I was, but rather what I did.
IT makes me wonder if I want to have a child, children, because I love the idea of having someone to care for or if it is because I need a purpose. The more I think about it, there's no sane reason to want a child that isn't pure selfishness. I mean, me having a kid won't depopulate the earth. I am not a holder of vast stores of knowledge or special skills that should be passed along. My brothers have sufficiently ensured our genes will travel the world and Quinn's half-siblings have done the same for him. We wouldn't be financially better with a kid, and there's no guarantee that a child would provide for us in our old age (another selfish reason to have them). Then I ask myself whether I'm having these doubts to prepare myself for the possibility that I can't ever have children. Is this my old standard, let's just make you seem like you don't want it so it doesn't hurt when you don't get it?
I have to stop reading books and watching television. There are so many extraordinary lives showcased, full of adventure and romance. And I have neither. Who could be happy like this? Am I mentally ill? Is this just depression finally settling in? HAve I ably outrun it until this point? I remember hours I used to spend alone, whereever I could could get solitude. I'd mull over the question of the importance of my existence. And, like now, I couldn't find an answer. So I would wrap myself in activity and responsibility so I wouldn't think about it. I could outrun the hurt in knowing I'm just like 6 billion other people on this planet. Just running around not effectively contributing to anything other than running the capitalist machine. I want a dream. I want a passion. I want to want something...anything. I don't even crave food anymore. I am a shell of a person...a Shade, to quote a character reference by Sherrilyn Kenyon.
How do you get anywhere from here? I am finding that I am amazed at the bravery of the human race. The ones who get up each day knowing it will end exactly like the last. Knowing that they are in a rut and they are tied to it by financial responsibility. Those in that category who don't succome to the depression I can feel overriding my every thought. My every inkling of intuition tells me there is something more for me if I could just focus enough to figure it out. Is this a mid-life crisis? Is this normal for adults who have pursued a degree to finish a goal set out in the 3rd grade? Am I still clinging to that definition of who I should be? Is that why the lack of children hurts so much?
I don't like the person I've become. I'm not happy with the compromises I have made because I am too lazy to figure out what I want. But it appears I am too lazy to make any changes. Where do we go from here? Where's the meaning? I truly believe there is a God, but if I didn't, I could understand how someone would make him up. There's got to be something more. Maybe that's where all this is leading. Maybe it's time for me to go back to the one constant home I had growing up - the church. God always welcomed me, no matter which house I visited him in. The familiarity of the hymns, of the verses, of the acceptance and love always gave me the consistency every child longs for. It seems so simple to get that back. Why don't I just do it?
IT makes me wonder if I want to have a child, children, because I love the idea of having someone to care for or if it is because I need a purpose. The more I think about it, there's no sane reason to want a child that isn't pure selfishness. I mean, me having a kid won't depopulate the earth. I am not a holder of vast stores of knowledge or special skills that should be passed along. My brothers have sufficiently ensured our genes will travel the world and Quinn's half-siblings have done the same for him. We wouldn't be financially better with a kid, and there's no guarantee that a child would provide for us in our old age (another selfish reason to have them). Then I ask myself whether I'm having these doubts to prepare myself for the possibility that I can't ever have children. Is this my old standard, let's just make you seem like you don't want it so it doesn't hurt when you don't get it?
I have to stop reading books and watching television. There are so many extraordinary lives showcased, full of adventure and romance. And I have neither. Who could be happy like this? Am I mentally ill? Is this just depression finally settling in? HAve I ably outrun it until this point? I remember hours I used to spend alone, whereever I could could get solitude. I'd mull over the question of the importance of my existence. And, like now, I couldn't find an answer. So I would wrap myself in activity and responsibility so I wouldn't think about it. I could outrun the hurt in knowing I'm just like 6 billion other people on this planet. Just running around not effectively contributing to anything other than running the capitalist machine. I want a dream. I want a passion. I want to want something...anything. I don't even crave food anymore. I am a shell of a person...a Shade, to quote a character reference by Sherrilyn Kenyon.
How do you get anywhere from here? I am finding that I am amazed at the bravery of the human race. The ones who get up each day knowing it will end exactly like the last. Knowing that they are in a rut and they are tied to it by financial responsibility. Those in that category who don't succome to the depression I can feel overriding my every thought. My every inkling of intuition tells me there is something more for me if I could just focus enough to figure it out. Is this a mid-life crisis? Is this normal for adults who have pursued a degree to finish a goal set out in the 3rd grade? Am I still clinging to that definition of who I should be? Is that why the lack of children hurts so much?
I don't like the person I've become. I'm not happy with the compromises I have made because I am too lazy to figure out what I want. But it appears I am too lazy to make any changes. Where do we go from here? Where's the meaning? I truly believe there is a God, but if I didn't, I could understand how someone would make him up. There's got to be something more. Maybe that's where all this is leading. Maybe it's time for me to go back to the one constant home I had growing up - the church. God always welcomed me, no matter which house I visited him in. The familiarity of the hymns, of the verses, of the acceptance and love always gave me the consistency every child longs for. It seems so simple to get that back. Why don't I just do it?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Blah blah blog
So, I'm tired. I'm not happy with any aspect of my life and I just don't have the energy to care enough to fix it. At work I'm getting a new manager. I was told I was not experienced enough for the opportunity, which is fine. But opportunities don't open up in our area ever. Events is kind of a dead end and I don't know how to fix what I'm doing to make me someone they look to for other things. I'm just at a loss and I'm tired of complaining about it.
Keri and her new husband have usurped Halloween from me. And, in turn has taken my excitement about my birthday. I usually tie together the two since the timing is weird otherwise. And, Quinn is pissed about it so I can't even have any emotions about it without him blowing up at me for not blowing up at Keri. He doesn't get it - she doesn't care. So, that begs the question - why is she my "best" friend if she doesn't give a shit about me in any capacity other than to be there for her? I'm too tired to really care, to be honest.
School sucks. I am barren still. I got into a car accident. I have no time on my own. I never speak to family. Quinn is angry all the time. And I feel like shit in general. I'm done.
Keri and her new husband have usurped Halloween from me. And, in turn has taken my excitement about my birthday. I usually tie together the two since the timing is weird otherwise. And, Quinn is pissed about it so I can't even have any emotions about it without him blowing up at me for not blowing up at Keri. He doesn't get it - she doesn't care. So, that begs the question - why is she my "best" friend if she doesn't give a shit about me in any capacity other than to be there for her? I'm too tired to really care, to be honest.
School sucks. I am barren still. I got into a car accident. I have no time on my own. I never speak to family. Quinn is angry all the time. And I feel like shit in general. I'm done.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Melancholy
It has been too long. I've allowed myself to forget about me for a while. It seems odd to say that I haven't been selfish enough when it seems like I'm super selfish, but I've not allowed myself the opportunity to talk or type to anyone for quite some time. So, it's time to unload...
The weight - a new all time high. But, fortunately, in the last week the scale has been my friend, of sorts. My number is going down. I was at 242 about two weeks ago. This morning was 238. So.. the right direction, but still too high - way too high. Why can't I see the error of my ways? Why can't it mean more to me to just eat better? Eat less? Exercise just a little... it's a mystery.
The baby-making - no success yet. I know in January I said the IUI didn't work. Well, it did. It just didn't work out. I absolutely was pregnant but I miscarried again. It was a setback. We stopped seeing Dr. Haas in December, but I have every intention of returning in late August. However, the idea of a plan does not help my heart in any way. Yesterday I made myself cry by listening to Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die for That". It's so spot on as to how I feel. And the video is something I can't watch without blubbering, so I only listen to it, with my head down and tears flowing. What am I doing to myself? I don't seem to be able to enjoy the process any more. It just feels like each time is one less opportunity. It doesn't seem to be about making life... I just seem to focus on the deaths.
The finances - Quinn started working about a month ago - at Express. Although we don't have any interaction, it's still a little odd, I think. But it's good. It's more money than he's ever made before, and now that we have made a couple of unnecessary purchases, I think we are finally ready to start tackling the debt. I put $200 toward Dell this month, and it felt good. Even though we'll have to watch ourselves over the next month, I think we're finally moving in the right direction. It feels really good to have a goal in mind.
The education - at long last there is a definite graduation goal in mind. After this summer, there are two classes that I'll take in the fall. One online and one night a week and then it's over. Although I think I'll likely try for a higher degree before too long, I think Quinn's right - I should take a break. Recoup our financees. Spend some time with him. Work on making the baby. Enjoy that I have accomplished a goal I mentally set for myself from the time I heard about college. A Bachelor's Degree and two Associate's Degrees. (well the Associate's degrees were gravy from indecision).
The relationships - I think Quinn and I are good. We seem to have less tension than even a couple of years ago, but there are still issues. I'm a little lazy after two years of not helping around the house and he's a little tired of me leaving him in limbo because of "homework" - I completely understand, but it's almost over. He could be a little more compromising. My friendships are weak. I was doing great for a while, making sure that I was always ready and available. But I've gone back into my hole. It will get better after school, I'm sure.
I guess that's the sum of the parts. I'm kind of watching a somewhat depressing movie - called The Air I Breathe. It's not helping my mood much. I'm just going through the motions to get to the end.
Work is going pretty well, though. I've taken over some duties while Julie's on maternity leave and I think I'm doing well. Teresa was promoted to Director and she's giving me plenty of opportunities to give her my opinions on things. I'm beginning to feel pretty good about myself. It's what I've been missing there. That's what makes her a good boss... why she has gone somewhere... I'm happy to work for her.
Okay, I'm out. Talking to Keri. Makes me feel normal.
The weight - a new all time high. But, fortunately, in the last week the scale has been my friend, of sorts. My number is going down. I was at 242 about two weeks ago. This morning was 238. So.. the right direction, but still too high - way too high. Why can't I see the error of my ways? Why can't it mean more to me to just eat better? Eat less? Exercise just a little... it's a mystery.
The baby-making - no success yet. I know in January I said the IUI didn't work. Well, it did. It just didn't work out. I absolutely was pregnant but I miscarried again. It was a setback. We stopped seeing Dr. Haas in December, but I have every intention of returning in late August. However, the idea of a plan does not help my heart in any way. Yesterday I made myself cry by listening to Kellie Coffey's "I Would Die for That". It's so spot on as to how I feel. And the video is something I can't watch without blubbering, so I only listen to it, with my head down and tears flowing. What am I doing to myself? I don't seem to be able to enjoy the process any more. It just feels like each time is one less opportunity. It doesn't seem to be about making life... I just seem to focus on the deaths.
The finances - Quinn started working about a month ago - at Express. Although we don't have any interaction, it's still a little odd, I think. But it's good. It's more money than he's ever made before, and now that we have made a couple of unnecessary purchases, I think we are finally ready to start tackling the debt. I put $200 toward Dell this month, and it felt good. Even though we'll have to watch ourselves over the next month, I think we're finally moving in the right direction. It feels really good to have a goal in mind.
The education - at long last there is a definite graduation goal in mind. After this summer, there are two classes that I'll take in the fall. One online and one night a week and then it's over. Although I think I'll likely try for a higher degree before too long, I think Quinn's right - I should take a break. Recoup our financees. Spend some time with him. Work on making the baby. Enjoy that I have accomplished a goal I mentally set for myself from the time I heard about college. A Bachelor's Degree and two Associate's Degrees. (well the Associate's degrees were gravy from indecision).
The relationships - I think Quinn and I are good. We seem to have less tension than even a couple of years ago, but there are still issues. I'm a little lazy after two years of not helping around the house and he's a little tired of me leaving him in limbo because of "homework" - I completely understand, but it's almost over. He could be a little more compromising. My friendships are weak. I was doing great for a while, making sure that I was always ready and available. But I've gone back into my hole. It will get better after school, I'm sure.
I guess that's the sum of the parts. I'm kind of watching a somewhat depressing movie - called The Air I Breathe. It's not helping my mood much. I'm just going through the motions to get to the end.
Work is going pretty well, though. I've taken over some duties while Julie's on maternity leave and I think I'm doing well. Teresa was promoted to Director and she's giving me plenty of opportunities to give her my opinions on things. I'm beginning to feel pretty good about myself. It's what I've been missing there. That's what makes her a good boss... why she has gone somewhere... I'm happy to work for her.
Okay, I'm out. Talking to Keri. Makes me feel normal.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Update of sorts
Well, it's been a long time, I guess. But not much has happened that's positive, so I've been keeping a lot to myself. The IUI didn't take, so I'm not pregnant. I discovered I had to admit I can't do it all - I'm just not that person. I had to drop my class load down to nine hours (three classes), so I'm back to a December graduation. Which, I guess isn't all that bad. I'm just ready to be done so I can start the next stage of my life - as scary as that is. I love Express. I have a great job. But, there is no where for me to grow. I've found myself in a job that doesn't really make me feel like I know what I'm doing and I need to change that, I think.
I'm done for now. More self-revelation to come...
I'm done for now. More self-revelation to come...
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
IUI
Intrauterine Insemination. That's what we're doing now. Tonight, Quinn shot me with HCG to help induce ovulation and Friday I go in for an insemination procedure. This morning I got sort of good news from Dr. Haas... My follicle looks good and he is hopeful. We're going to be stretched pretty thin money wise, but if this works, it will be more than worth it! I'm so excited! It'll be hard to wait two whole weeks to find out if it works, and I probably didn't choose a good time since New Year's Eve is a night for drinking, which I definitely won't be doing. But, again, if this works, it will absolutely be worth it. :)
I guess I don't have a lot else to report. Keri is officially engaged. Congrats to her! Joe did it right - roses, candles, mood music, the works! I'm actually looking forward to her telling me about it in person. I'm very excited for her.
So, now I'm going to bed. It's been a great day! Hope is on the horizon again. :)
I guess I don't have a lot else to report. Keri is officially engaged. Congrats to her! Joe did it right - roses, candles, mood music, the works! I'm actually looking forward to her telling me about it in person. I'm very excited for her.
So, now I'm going to bed. It's been a great day! Hope is on the horizon again. :)
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I take it back... a little.
Well, Quinn came around and agreed to give the iPod to my niece. You know, I can guarantee she will use it a lot more than I ever would. It made my heart feel good to help Tim and my mom out. I know that they know they can't give a lot to her and that she got the shaft when it came to her mother, so I'm glad I could do something.
So, update on the baby front. Pretty much nothing. I had the X-ray that showed a possible fibroid on my uterus. So Sunday we had another appointment and had an Ultrasound that showed my follicle isn't growing as fast as they thought it would, so I'm going back in the morning. They took blood again. I don't really know why they are checking my progesterone levels again, but they are. I don't see an end in sight. I just keep praying that God will bless me with a pregnancy before we get to the point of IVF.
I wish I had more to share, but I really don't know what is happening. I hope to have more information tomorrow.
So, update on the baby front. Pretty much nothing. I had the X-ray that showed a possible fibroid on my uterus. So Sunday we had another appointment and had an Ultrasound that showed my follicle isn't growing as fast as they thought it would, so I'm going back in the morning. They took blood again. I don't really know why they are checking my progesterone levels again, but they are. I don't see an end in sight. I just keep praying that God will bless me with a pregnancy before we get to the point of IVF.
I wish I had more to share, but I really don't know what is happening. I hope to have more information tomorrow.
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